


You are who you choose to  follow

by pixiedurango



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dreams and Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, Minor Violence, Nightmares, Power Play, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sexual Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-05
Updated: 2015-07-05
Packaged: 2018-04-07 20:43:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4277262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pixiedurango/pseuds/pixiedurango
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A prompt written for the wonderful reinedesglacesalavanille.<br/>Inspired by the Blackwall Rainier beardless mod on the Nexus.<br/>Writing this helped me to overcome my (my Inquisitors) thom-rainier-existence-denial and for that I am thankful. Let the healing begin.</p><p>You want to know how Thom Rainier became the prick he undoubtedly was?<br/>Read here for headcanonically proved answers.</p><p>The lyrics belong too the great song "Blood on my name" by The Brothers Bright. If you don't know it until now, I strongly recomend to listen to it, it helped to create a lot of the mood of this fic and fits to the Blackwall story line so freakin perfect..<br/>--> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xz5Mx3a8kRw</p><p>What actually will happen in this fic:<br/>Blackwall receives an heir from a lately passed orlaisian noble woman. A bigger amount of gold and a huge package shaped like a painting.<br/>Shortly after that his nightmares - he thought he was over them - come back and his Lady - Arya Trevelyan - puts one and one together.<br/>Finally he has to go back into a time of his life when he knew nothing about love and even less about good manners.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You are who you choose to  follow

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Reinedesglacesalavanille](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reinedesglacesalavanille/gifts).



> memories and nightmares are written in italic

There's a reckoning a-coming  
and it burns beyond the grave  
its lead inside my belly  
cause my soul has lost its way  


The Brothers Bright – Blood on my name

 

 

„ _Makers Breath, don’t they teach you anything about women in the Free Marches?”_  

Her sternest voice was echoing in his head when he jumped from his sleep. Heartbeat was raging and sweat poured from his body. Agitated and startled he sat up in the dark and looked around and what he saw did not help cooling down. Where was he? Huge bed, soft pillows stuffed in his back and a silken blanket that was tangled around his legs. Seemingly happened during his restless nightmare. Huge windows with tasteful curtains, a majestic desk... Noble chambers.

„Mhhhh... everything alright, love?” Suddenly a head with tousled black hair emerged out of a pile of blankets and pillows next to him. He almost jumped when a little hand rested on his forearm looking all pale and fragile on his massive sunburned sword arm. The hand slid over his skin in a casual, idle gesture of soothing, and more sleepy noises came from the person beside him until they formed to words: „Nightmares again? It’s been a while. Thought you were over it.”

Finally he was able to connect. To sort. Putting the loose ends together and he was able to relax.

„Filly. I’m so terribly sorry. I woke you.” Blackwall leaned over to find her shoulder and the crook of her neck within reach to place some soft kisses on them. She cooed approvingly and let him find comfort by crawling closer to her, finally spooning her from behind.

„Don’t be sorry, love. Happens to all of us. I’m here for you, you know that.” she murmured and curled deeper into his embrace.

„I was confused waking up in this room.” he said in a low voice close to her ear. „We should sleep more often in your chambers instead of the hayloft all the time. People are talking already...” he thought it was better to distract her from the dream that woke him.

She chuckled. „As if we care. But after all a cozy bed has some perks of its own, don’t you think?”

„I will lay down my head happily wherever I can sleep next to you, Filly.” he drew her closer and meant every word. But not even being close to her would prevent his thoughts from wandering back in time tonight.

Back into other beds.

Back to another life.

Back to another person? How he wished he could say that. 

 

Arya Trevelyan was already asleep again.

 

How much he loved her.

Cocky leader with a gentle heart.

Daring fighter with the urge to protect.

Thoughtful lover with a naughty mind.

And still, after all this time he wondered how he could have been the one she chose above all other people to love. And she seemed to love him even more, after all that had happened.

After all he had done to her.

„No more lies!” had been the only thing she had ever demanded from him after his crimes and disguises were revealed and judged. And he had agreed. Wholeheartedly. Because he had thought that everything had come from the dark to the light already.

He sighed. Finally he would have to face the fact that his former life would probably continue to haunt him until his very final breath and there would be no way to escape Thom Rainier no matter how much he wished it. Carrying the title Blackwall was just another disguise and would not erase anything that had happened before taking the name from a dying hero.

He feared to fall back into sleep.

Feared to hear that stern voice again, feeling _her_ lingering in his mind. Provoking more nightmares. Nightmares that would wreck him and worse, possibly disgust his lady if she learned about them. He finally decided that this had to find an end before it could spread its evil influence even more on him and the one he loved. 

He had to get rid of that _thing_. Tomorrow he would find a way to destroy it before Arya could ask any more questions. After it was out of her sight and gone for good, she would finally forget about it and he would not have to face unsettling memories. Bad enough it had been coming in by an official delivery from Val Royeaux to the Inquisition to be handed to _Thom Rainier personally._.. 

More demons of the past. Would it ever end? 

Against his will, he slipped back into sleep.

 

* * *

 

_Eager hands on white flesh._

_Fumbling nervously on a corset._

_No patience._

_Only lechery._

_Ripping on the laces, tearing them apart._

„ _Makers Breath, don’t they teach you anything about women in the Free Marches?”_

„ _I apologize, Mistress_ _de Beauharnois_ _.” voice shaking from awkwardness and shame and arousal._  

„ _Ah... you are annoying, Rainier.” a hand, already on the edge of wilting but cluttered with diamond rings, dismissing him in a careless gesture. „You may come tomorrow at_ _sundown. But for now out of my eyes!”_

„ _Y... yes... Mistress_ _de Beauharnois._ _” his cock is pounding within his breeches, anger burns inside his mind and his heart wrenches for_ she _is sending him away. Again. But he_ _obeys and gets up from the huge bed and turns to go._

„ _Rainier!” Her voice. Stern as always. Demanding from behind. His heart jumps. Will she call him back this time?_  

„ _Haven’t you forgotten something?” his tiny bit of hope collapsing back into pain._

 _He turns back towards her who is still spread out on her bed and he bows as she had taught him._ „ _Thank you, Mistress_ _de Beauharnois_ _, to invite me to come back into your house. Though I have been a disappointment to you today and though I am well aware that I am not_ _worthy of your attention. I feel honored to be allowed to return to you tomorrow.”_

 _She smiles her evil smile that he dreads and adores at the same time._ „ _You may go now, Rainier. Well done. You finally start learning!”_

 

_Cut_

 

_Screaming girl._

_Not possible to tell if still from lust or already in pain._

_He doesn’t care._

_Thrusting._

_Thrusting away the disgrace._

„ _Oh, Thom...”_

_He thrusts harder._

_As long as they can say your name they still like it._

_As long as they scream your name they still enjoy far too much._

„ _Thom... Thom... Thom...”_

„ _Shut the fuck up, lass! You’ll wake the bawd and I’m not intending to pay shit for you!” he slapps her hard on one of her buttocks moving eager in front of him while he_ _continues to fuck her from behind like in a rage._

_He finishes upon her back, shooting his semen on her. Not satisfying but better than having little Thom Rainiers running around all Val Royeaux._

_She is stretching in front of him, begging to make her come, too._

_He suddenly feels tired. Does not want to see more cunts or tits._

_He gets up, using one of her smalls to dry and clean his cock and tugs up his breeches._

_She whimpers._

_He shrugs._

_Her name is Maisie._

 

* * *

 

Blackwall woke again.

Exhausted.

Embarrassed.

He looked to the window to see that the dawn already was over and the blue sky over Skyhold promised a bright and friendly day. Next to him, Aryas sleepy face was already grinning up to him. She was awake, too. It would have been a wonderful time for some sweet and relaxing morning sex but he could not even _think_ about touching her now. How could he dare? After reliving things from his past in his dreams that he wished he could make undone. Aspects of his rotten existence that assured him again, that he was a kind of monster. A monster that she simply shouldn’t love. She deserved so much better!

So he mumbled a brief. „Good morning, love. Plenty to do today...” and hurried out of bed. 

Arya said nothing.

Did not try to hold him back. To make him speak.

She already knew him when he was disturbed by something. 

Nightmares, that occurred out of the blue after months of almost peaceful sleep. Right the day when an obscure delivery from Val Royeaux was handed over to _Thom Rainier_ _personally_...

Whom did he try to fool by telling everything was fine!

Arya Trevelyan stretched again under the blankets after Blackwall had already left her chambers. She would give him a bit of a lead but she would not let him go off without proper explanations this time.

She got up and dressed to grab some lemon cakes and coffee to have breakfast with Josephine.

 

~ ~ ~

 

„So who is this Duchesse Geneviève de Beauharnois, again? And why shall she bequeath Blackwall such a tremendous amount of gold?” Arya was still puzzled.

Josephine had spent the last half hour to explain the difficult connections of Orlesian noble houses. She almost sighed but then went for a diplomatic smile and started all over again.

„To break it down, Ary, Duchesse de Beauharnois was one of the wealthiest and for that, most powerful persons of Val Royeaux if not all Orlais. She was a widow, running her various businesses successfully on her own for more than 40 years until she passed away few weeks ago. And seemingly Blackwall, pardon, Thom Rainier, must have had some kind of...” Josie paused to either choose or emphasize the next word carefully. „ _Connections_ with her in the past.” 

„But he was a soldier, not a business man?” Arya asked and Josie shrugged, answering a bit reluctant. 

„I am in no position to ask him this kind of questions, dear. But maybe _you_ are. So you should do so. But be aware that you might not like the answers. Orlesian widows are notorious for their decadence. And for their entanglements within _the Game_ ” 

Arya smiled. „Thank you for your concern, Josie.” she grabbed the hand of the Ambassador and squeezed it softly in appreciation. „I do not care, how many wicked widows he had bedded before he came to me. I just need him honest now.”

Josie nodded. „I can understand that. And you have been always so respectful and patient with him. He can be grateful, to have you.” she responded and squeezed back her friends hand. „By the way.” the Ambassador resumed after a while. „Did he tell you, what was in the package he received with the message of his heirship? From the form I would assume it was a painting of some kind.”

„To be honest,” Arya shook her head, „I did not pay any attention to it until he woke up in nightmares again. And he did not come up with it either, as you can think of. Maybe I should just go and check on him. Can you arrange some space within my schedule today?” Arya made a pleading face and Josie giggled.

„I think I can buy you some free time until afternoon. I will let Cassandra and Cullen take care for the nobles you were scheduled to meet up with. They came for getting a glimpse of what our troops can do and I think with those two guides they will get the right impression even if it’s not the Inquisitor herself who is giving them the tour to the training grounds.”

Arya was already on her feet and hugged her chief diplomat. „Thank you, Sweety. I owe you some.”

Josephine smiled her cutest smile and hugged her back. „We need our Inquisitor happy to continue the good work. So I am gladly doing what I can. Now run and find your brooding man.”

 

~ ~ ~

 

She found him in is workshop.

Of course.

Sitting with his back towards the doorway. On a hay bale next to the fireside, brooding in front of the still wrapped package. An axe was lying next to him. 

„Blackwall?”

He jumped and turned around. „Filly, what...” he did not finish the sentence.

„I thought I should maybe check on you.”

„Why would you think that?” a hint of defiance in his voice.

„Ah, come on. We both know that this heirship you received from Val Royeaux fucked you up again.”

„It’s nothing, my lady.” reluctant and unwilling. 

She raised an eyebrow.

„Really? Is that your way to keep your promise? _No more lies_ , you remember?”

„I did not lie to you!” he protested.

„But you did not talk either. Why don’t we open this package together and you just explain what’s this all about.” Arya tried to get closer to him but he flinched and just stepped between her and the package that was still standing next to the fire.

 „No! Please Arya, don’t make me do that. This isn’t my life anymore. This belongs to Thom Rainier. I need to protect you from him!” He had not intended to ever speak those words out loud but now that he did he realized that they were nothing but the truth to him. He felt that he needed to protect her. From  _him_. And he finally realized how desperate and pointless it was to pretend that Thom Rainier was another person. A stranger. They were the same and it hurt more than anything else to realize that.

She slowly stepped towards him until she was close enough to lay her hands on his arms that he had folded in front of his chest in a defiant and defensive gesture. Her touch was soothing, but when she resumed speaking his panic flickered back up. „I granted you to hold the title Blackwall, because it seemed to be easier for you to handle that. And it was easier for me, too. Maybe I should have started earlier calling you by your name instead of Blackwall.”

„No...” his voice was almost failing him and his eyes went wide with terror.

She came even closer and dragged him into her arms. He did not resist. He felt his legs going weak and finally fail him but he did not care that he was sinking down on his knees in front of her.

Maybe she would forgive him.

Maybe she could stop the pain.

He buried his face against her midst and slung his arms around her. „Arya, please don’t...” he was scared to death and his voice scratched thick with emotion.

„You cannot go on giving this name so much power over you.” She objected with a calm voice.

„I need to protect you from _him_.” he insisted speaking against the soft leather of her jacket.

„ _He_ is _you_. And you don’t have to protect me from yourself...” she paused and run her fingers through his hair. Let him come a little more at ease before she finally spoke the word in a soft and gentle tone: „ _Thom_.”

He was shaken by suppressed sobs. Unable to say anything. Still struggling to accept.

She let him.

Held him close and just waited. 

After a long while he was able to raise his head and looked up to her, meeting her violet eyes, sparkling as always and he suddenly felt that breathing was a little easier now. He had to clear his throat. „Errr... I don’t know what to say but thank you. Again...”

She smiled. „No need to thank me. I should have done this earlier, I guess. I chose the easy way out, myself.”

„I think I was right, when I said I don’t know how to be with you as Thom Rainier.” He finally got up from his knees. Sighing deeply because of his cracking joints. And for the weight that finally started to fade from his chest. He looked at her and caressed her cheek with his calloused hand. Then he resumed speaking. Thoughtful and still unsure what to do on this new path she finally had dragged him onto for his own sake. „But I think I cannot learn being him again as long as I keep denying that he even existed.” he shook his head as if in disbelieve. „Memories rush in. Sometimes I cannot handle them for I feel so ashamed and disgusted for myself.”

She nodded towards the package next to the fireplace. „Rushing in like this? You know what’s in there?”

„Yes, love I know.” he confirmed. „And I intended to destroy it before anyone would see it.”

„What is it?” she asked.

He looked at her for a long moment. As if he had to gauge whether he could already open up like that. But he knew his woman. She would not let him off with it. „You really want to know, do you?” he sighed for he already knew the answer. But at least he wanted to ask about a place where he felt safer than here in the almost open stables. „Well then. But not here, please. Let us retreat to your chambers. I would prefer a bit more privacy.” he laughed an uneasy little laugh. „Though all Skyhold might have seen me already on my knees crying against the belly of the lady I love.”

„Of course. And I bet this picture we were offering already led to the wildest gossip. Two gold and a bottle of my finest brandy that at least three people will ask Josie until noon if you finally got me pregnant...” She snickered. „So let’s take your inheritance and make our way to my rooms?”

He took a deep breath. 

With her everything seemed so easy.

He wanted to believe that it could really be easy like that.

But he would only find out if he dared.

„Let’s go then.” he sighed and waved over two recruits to deliver the package to the Inquisitors chambers immediately. The lads were eager to fulfill their order for the Inquisitor so the two of them could stroll casually over the yards, towards the main building.

„You aren’t... are you?” he eventually asked in a puzzled voice after a while.

She cackled with laughter.

„No. Definitely not.”

 

~ ~ ~

 

He was thankful she did not overdo it with calling him Thom now. In fact she had not used his name again after stating that she would start doing from now on.

But when they finally reached her quarters his calmness was almost gone anyway. 

The package was already there seemingly innocent leaning against the wall. 

Arya was crossing her room and settling herself on the foot of her bed, legs tangling down. 

He desperately thought about a proper way how to begin. Whatever explanations he had given her so far, about whatever; it had seemed to be so much easier as it seemed now to him. Already suppressing completely how much he had suffered whenever he was desperately trying to say something without revealing anything.

He came to the conclusion that it maybe was not such a good idea to tear down the wrapping from the painting without foregoing explanations. „Maybe you would like to sit back on the other end of the bed?” he asked. „I think it will be a lot of talking and I would like to see you as comfortable as possible while I talk.” He sat down on the very edge of the bed, facing her, while she already moved herself back to the bedhead and leaned against it, stuffing pillows in her back.

„Sounds promising. I’m fine and eager to learn about whatever you are going to tell me. Come to me, if you wish. Maybe its easier to talk while not looking into each other’s eyes.” she patted on the space next to her and he finally nodded after a moment of consideration.

He rested himself beside her and led her slip into his arm, leaning against his shoulder. She had been right. It would be easier like that.

„Ready, Filly?” he finally asked?

„No, _Thom_ , but will we ever?” when he heard the name again he was already about to flinch once more but he managed to keep it. He kissed her hair and began to speak:

„No I don’t think we will. So let me tell you about young Thom Rainier. I will word it as nasty as it really was because I know you are not squeamish with blunt words about fucking and things like that. And after I finished, I hope you still wish to be mine because it is not a very nice story. But it is _my_ story and you have to know it.”

She kissed him gently on the cheek to acknowledge his words and leaned back to listen.

  

* * *

  

_He did not even know when or where she saw him for the first time. Or what had caught her interest about him in the first place._

_He did not care._

_He simply didn’t care for much these days to be honest. He was in his early twenties and was the proud winner of the Grand Tourney of the Free Marches. He deserved all the_ _ladies! By the time she sent after him the first time he was, nevertheless, all new to Val Royeaux and eager to work his way up in the Orlesian army._

_A perfumed note. Ordering him to come to one of the biggest mansions of Val Royeaux._

_He was cocky enough to think he was handsome and famous enough to get notes like that from women._

_He went there as commanded._

_Mylady was a bit older. In her early forties maybe. He did not ask._

_She welcomed him in her nightgown with a silken house robe draped over it loosely._

_Obviously what she wanted._

_He thought he knew how to fuck and if that was what she was after he would give it to her with no further questions._  

 _After he finished on her belly and was looking down on her with big grey puppy-eyes, craving for compliments like the tavern girls and occasional whores gave him when he had_ _fucked them, she could barely hide her anger._

_He was baffled._

„ _Makers Breath, don’t they teach you anything about women in the Free Marches?”_

_That was the sentence he would hear very often from her._ _T_ _he first time she said it, he dared to object._

_She slapped him on his mouth with the ringed back of her hand. His lip cracked and suddenly he had the bittersweet taste of his own blood in his mouth._ _He was already about to slap back, but her ice cold green eyes made him stop before he could raise a hand. He might be new to Val Royeaux and raw and even a kind of_ _peasant from heritage but he was keen. And having a noble like her as an enemy would not help him with his career._ _So he did nothing. Swallowed blood._

 _Then she told him how much of a disappointment he had been to her._ _How low his skills were to please a woman how much he lacked either from taste of clothing and from proper hygiene. Pointed out every single point she disapproved._

 _And while she did that she grabbed his cock and rubbed him until he was hard again and when he was she ordered him onto her again._ _He obeyed. Young and confused enough just to slide back over this woman and eager to please her at least now._   _When he started thrusting again like he thought it would be good, she stopped him and gave more orders. Telling him about foreplay and how to fuck a lady in a way she would_ _never forget._

_Young Thom Rainier was intelligent enough to grab a chance to learn when given so seemingly free to him. He let her lead his hands, his tongue and his cock until she finally lay in_ _front of him as a moaning pile of flesh begging him to make her come._

_And he did._

_He was a good apprentice._

_Assuming that this knowledge was provided to him for free was a fatal misconception._   _He discovered it, when it was already too late. He had fallen for the Duchess and desperately hoped she would love him back._ _And to make her love him he was ready to do whatever she demanded from him._ _Even up to the point he hated himself for granting her this much power over him._

 _By times being with her was sweet and gentle. For example when she teached him to dance Orlesian style and how to lead a lady while dancing. When they took a bath_ _together, her washing him with tender hands or when she read him poems in ancient Orlesian while he was curled against her in the middle of silken blankets and piles of soft_   _pillows. When she taught him all her secrets about the Game and approved how fast a learner he was. Telling him all she knew about lovemaking and showed him pleasures he_ _never thought were possible._

 _But she had another side. Gruesome and merciless whenever he did something she did not like. Whenever he - in her opinion - messed up one of his tasks._ _From time to time she used him to do minor tasks for her business. Nothing serious, reminding debtors that payback was overdue. Thugwork basically but he did not care. He_ _was good with his fists and with his sword so he could use it. People feared him and that was after all a useful asset. Later she ordered him to seduce married noble women who_   _owed her money so she could blackmail them afterwards._ _Young Thom Rainier had grown into a good and able lover and a man who could find always the right tone between chevalier and filthy criminal to make his way under the skirts_ _of any lady._

 _But occasionally things went not the way she ordered it and if so he always was the one who was put to suffer._   _Usually she would punish him by making him horny - what was an easy thing to do because she knew exactly how to turn him on - and then banishing him from her house for_ _days._ _More than once young Thom Rainier stood in the streets of Val Royeaux with a rock hard cock and a burning heart, almost sobbing upon the words she hat spat on him before_ _she literally kicked him out of her house._ _And he gladly returned whenever she called him back._

 _She made him call her_ Mistress de Beauharnois _whenever he addressed her. And he finally knew exactly what he was allowed to say and how he had to put his words so chances_ _were good she would be content and let him slip into her bed again._

 _Loving this woman was intoxicating. Later he realized that, but could not escape anymore. Too deep he had dared to dive into her world that was not his. She could easily and_ _would with no hesitation destroy him and his entire career. He had entangled himself within_ the Game _too much to escape anymore._

_This was when his anger began._

_The frustration of being the toy of a woman he desperately wanted to love him and who just kept on calling him in and dismissed him after using him as she wished._ _Realizing that gave him miserable feels but he was unable to stay away._

 _Young Thom Rainier began to visit brothels and taverns and chased every butt, noble or not, he could grab. He had a busy life then because the ladies loved the rough charm he played_ _on them until he had them on their back begging him to fuck them harder._ _And they all did sooner or later._  

 _His real lovemaking was for his mistress. T_ _he others had to deal with what was left._   _Raw fast thrusts in order to find release soon not caring what happened before- or afterwards._ _So very few of them came more than once to be with him._

_That brown eyed tavern whore for example._

_Name was Maisie._

_For every time Mistress de Beauharnois had sent him away with a hard cock and an angry knot in his guts, she had been there, eager spreading her legs for him._ _Afterwards, when he could not escape fast enough from her and her sad little room in the basement of this lousy brothel at the edge of Val Royeaux, she started speaking of_ _love._

_He did not reply._

_Did not even listen._

_Left her crying._

_Every time._

_He did not care_

_One time she had asked him on top while she was on her back._ _He had tried. She was a pretty thing after all. But it did not work._ _When he grabbed her and turned her on her stomach, made her kneel to bring up her cunt into comfortable reach for him, suddenly he was hard again to fuck her as he wished._ _Well to be honest he did not wish to fuck that little tavern whore at all. She was just there whenever he needed release._

_This was his life._

_When he was young._

_He dreamed about and dreaded his mistress at the same time._

_For years._

_After young Thom Rainier climbed up the ranks of the Orlesian army - finally becoming Captain - at some point, their lives parted. He had never seen her again. His mistress._ _Felt that he finally had freed himself from her. But she had left her mark on him. He was not able to love anymore. She had taken that from him by consuming all of his love_ _without giving hers back._

 _Captain Thom Rainier became a leader. A womanizer of some sort. And a prick! Able to please. Himself in the first place. But when he finally realized that his own pleasure_ _increased if he fucked them with a little more finesse, they paid him back a multiple thereof and he was fine with that. Putting a little more effort into foreplay and seeing that_ _he would not thrust himself into dry holes made him a busy man. He could manage that little more effort. He had a good teacher after all. As long as none of the women asked_ _for love, he saw that every single one of them got what they needed:_

_A good fuck._

 

* * *

 

They sat in silence for a long time.

He was not able to look down on her. Feared what he might see when he looked into her face. Would she ever be able to let him touch her again?

„And _this_ woman left you all that gold?” was the first thing she asked. Disbelieve in her voice.

He shrugged. „Seems so. I finally lost connection after I became Captain. Must say I was kind of happy to have gotten out of this alive and with all my... _parts_.”

She chuckled. „This I can believe. Evil woman. But she must have had a thing for you after all. Does that make you feel better about it after all this years?”

He sighed heavily and dared to draw her closer into his arm. She did not object. He was relieved. „I don’t know how to feel about all that. I was young. Had no idea what I was doing. What she was doing to me. Ask a young, cocky lad whether he feels abused by a stunning rich lady. He will laugh right into your face!” He buried his face in her hair, still not able to look into her face.

„What happened to Maisie” he was surprised she asked about her, too.

„I really don’t know. I hope she is alive and well.” he answered reluctant and he realized that if she would judge him for anything, it would be about how he treated that little tavern whore who so desperately had loved him once.

„When did you stop just fucking holes?” she asked dryly. Her words made him almost cringe. But he did not hesitate to answer.

„After I was on the run, there were not so many opportunities anymore. In the beginning I was just doing what I was used to do. Later, when I already had taken the name Blackwall I came to think. That it may not be suitable for a Grey Warden to act in that way. And that probably Blackwall himself would not have approved if someone in his name behaved like I had. And finally,” he smiled. „I found out that it is more satisfying when everyone involved liked it as much as I did.”

Arya nodded. Seemingly content with his answers and finally changed the subject.

„And what’s this now with this... well I assume it’s a painting.” Arya had not forgotten why they had come here in the first place. „Is it a portrait of her?” she asked and he shook his head.

„No. I am not much of an artist. More the woodcarving type as you know.” he chuckled, still speaking into her hair. „Mistress de Beauharnois was the artist.”

Now Arya turned to him.

„So it’s a portrait of _you_ when you were young?” she smiled and he... blushed. He really blushed.

„Well, Filly, not quite a portrait. More of a... full body image. If you know what I mean...”

She suddenly cackled with laughter but dragged him into his arms at the same time so he could not feel like she was laughing about him.

Blackwall... Thom had never heard a sound so beautiful in all his life than her laughter now. Never he had felt a touch so warm and full of love than when she hugged him now and held him close and finally rested her head on his shoulder.

Eventually she lifted her face up to him and her lips were red and soft and promising and when he kissed her he knew that they would be able to overcome everything together. They fell back into the pillows and kissed for a long time. Caressing each other as if to make sure the other one was real. But curiosity was stronger and after a while she rested herself on her elbows and demanded with a smile: „Show me! Please. I know you are...” she grinned. „Modest, but remember, there will be nothing to see I haven’t seen already.”

He sighed deeply and lifted himself from the bed. „You are right Filly. It just feels a bit weird to me. And it’s so long ago. Another life.” While he spoke he had already opened the wrappings and carefully lifted them from the painting. 

Canvas framed in heavy gold. The picture was showing a young man with dark hair on a chaise longue. Wide, muscular chest covered with more black hair. Strong legs and arms, that made it easy to believe that he was a powerful swordfighter. He was nude, far more than half aroused, one of his hands holding a tight grip around his cock. Thoughtful grey eyes, an eager, serious and handsome but at the same time a strangely raw and cocky face. Beardless. 

Arya had left the bed now also and stood beside her lover who was watching his naked younger self like in a strange mirror. She grabbed him around the waist and he laid his arm around her shoulder in return. Leaning her head to one side she examined the painting. „Yeap... this woman might have been an evil manipulative and cruel bitch but she had, indeed, a very good eye and a very good artistic hand.”

He had still burning cheeks and stepped from one foot to another feeling uneasy towards his own image. „You think so? I always thought she might have tried to flatter me in some way.” he responded reluctant.

Arya shook her head. „No. Definitely not. Believe me.” she smiled and turned towards him. „And you know what?”

He smiled and looked into her face full of love and gratitude. Almost not able to believe that - again - she was able to accept and to forgive. „What, love? Tell me!”

„Two things. First:” her smile went into a grin and suddenly she jumped forward and tried to lift up the heavy painting. He needed to help her to carry it into her dressing room and he was sure it would not make sense to object. Besides, he could not think of a better and safer place than her most private room, where she placed it next to her huge dressing mirror. „I’ll keep it here with me. So whenever you cannot be with me I have a wonderful reminder of you.” 

He rolled his eyes in amusement but still blushing towards her enthusiasm.

„I almost fear to ask what the second thing is you want.” he chuckled when she slid back into his arms, already eager to kiss him again.

„I would love to see you one day without that beard in reality. But only for once because I love you already with that beard of yours.”

 

 

 

 


End file.
